magic ☆ミ

Who doesn’t use tumblr, but this will be here for him.

It has gotten to the point that I can casually plan out my suicide and not cry about it. My life has become a trainwreck of things that are completely out of my hands, but even if everything was okay, I would still catch myself thinking about slamming on my brakes in front of a semi or falling asleep on traintracks. Sometimes I can still imagine the lump in my throat when I think about all those pills I swallowed dry that night a couple years ago. I do not/have not/will not have detrimental habits because I need absolute control of myself. I never want doctors and therapists harping on me for being an alcoholic or for abusing drugs, only to draw unwanted attention to the situation when I’ve already made up my mind. I’m just sad and nothing over the past few years has gone in my favor, except for meeting and spending time with you. I don’t plan to let anyone know about when I leave because causing a scene is the last thing I want to do. As of now, I will try to keep the subject dropped until it happens, which will not be for a few years.

One day in the near future, you will come home to the house that we bought together perfectly tidy. The dishes will be done, the laundry will be folded and put away. The bills will be paid and the few months following will be covered in advance. The pets will be fed, I will mow the lawn and the trash will be on the curb. Everything will be perfect but I will not be home.

One day in the near future, I will leave you. I will leave everyone. I don’t want you to worry about me. If anything, worry about yourself. I think you already know it’s going to happen. I’m so sad and it has gotten so extreme. I want you to be happy and to live a fulfilling life, and I know that isn’t possible with me. I want to spend more time with you because you are absolutely the only love of my life, but it would be selfish of me to keep you to myself then leave you alone. I want you to have time to heal and find someone new to spend your life with.

One day in the near future, you will not expect to come home to the house so tidy. You will look for me but I will not be there. You will be sad for a little while, but it will get better, I swear. You need to find the will to move on and start new.

I love you forever.